Why can't I get a good night's sleep? I've been waking up in the middle of the night expecting my day to begin. It's irritating. Is it preparation for the future? Is God saying, "Wake Up now because there's more to think about today then there was yesterday." What is it that is going on?
Yesterday was my 27th Birthday. Another year has officially come and I am older now than I was the day before. I don't quite understand my life right now. I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I believe that the mystery that is our God often shines a light unto our path, but understanding of why we are to walk the path is not always clear. I know we are to live for the delight of ourselves and the Glory of God. I feel like it becomes more and more apparent each day I live. Delight and Glory. Glory and Delight. They are so wonderfully intertwined that I cannot say one without the other. This is a new year for me. I want to live this year deeper in Delight and Glory. I'm so tired of what's temporal and carnal. I'm so tired of trying to please people. I'm so tired of trying to get folks to understand who I am so that I can live a life free of persecution and judgment. It's not about me. It will never be about me. Thank God that it isn't. That's way too much pressure for one man to handle. So what do I want for this new year...I'll tell you what's running through my mind right now.
1. I want to deeply fall in Love with God's Word.
2. I want to deeply fall in Love with Prayer.
3. I want to Love my wife with the heart of Christ.
4. I want to have real relationships with people and not just ones that are based solely when we need something from each other.
5. I want to have my eyes stripped from what the world cares about and completely submit to the things God cares about.
6. I want to lead the church in boldness rooted in the Holy Spirit.
7. I want to trust God more.
I am tired. Mostly, I'm tired of being attacked by the devil. I feel the attack from all facets of my life, but I know that God has dominion over the devil. The devil will never win over me. He will fall. I thank God for people who are willing to walk with me in this journey. I feel more and more that it is important for us to walk and talk together. Yes, our lives are becoming ever more busy. Supposedly as we grow older, time becomes more and more valuable, yet less and less available. Maybe, we don't get it. Maybe, the way we live is not the way God would desire for us to live. It seems that we don't care enough at times for each other to extend a hand. I don't get it. We truly are selfish people that need God to move us in authentic relationships.
Sometimes I'm tired of playing around and I just want to get deep and truthful fast. I guess I'm growing up. That's all part of the process. I'm tired of petty talk. I just want to hear about God's faithfulness in the midst of deep anguish. I want to hear about God's glory in the midst of pride. I want to hear about God's love in the slums, His grace in the pit, and His majesty in poverty. I'm tired of wasted words and wasted time. Life is too short for that and God is too Great. I write this now because I have to. It feels like I'm suffocating in the midst of my life right now and if I don't get it out, then I don't know what I would do. Why do I feel like my life in particular is such a stinking roller coaster? One week, I'm completely overthrown by God's glory and the very next week I'm completely broken in my sin needing His grace and mercy to pull me through each passing moment. Brokenness is great for it is undoubtedly a refining fire that burns away the flesh and exposes the spirit. I can say with a honest heart that it is painful because I go through it often. So...what do I want God to do in my life as a 27 year old?
1. I want Him to keep me ever aware of the furnace and guide me to joy in the midst of the pain.
2. I want God to overthrow my sin faster and take me to the cross of Christ with a speed that I haven't experienced yet.
3. I want God to overthrow my pride and selfishness and drive me deeper in humility and love. For this body is not my own.
4. I want God to show me what it means to be in relationship with Him, as I'm in relationship with others.
Yes...I have a lot of things that I need from God. All of it comes down to this. I Need God. It's not the product I want from Him. I just need Him. I so dearly long to be Moses whom God hid in the mountain cave as God's glory passed by. I just want to experience His glory in any fashion, for I know that any time we experience that glory, we are forever transformed by it. So, here's my prayer.
"God, change my heart again. Change it so that I might seek you fervently. Change it so I might eat and drink from your banquet often. Change it so I might live in the freedom you've given me today and not tomorrow. Change my heart God and renew my strength in you. I want that. I want you. Be my delight today and show me your glory. I am blessed."
